The Bullet in My Heart

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People may say I’m broken, but I prefer the term, ‘damaged’. I’m not so damaged that I’m bitter, or have my walls up too high, no. I still have hope that my life will get better.

I live each day with open arms. I treat people the way I want to be treated, with respect. I don’t care about anything but your attitude. I won’t judge you for anything else, like I don’t want to be judged.

I’m damaged, because my father damaged me. He’s been abusing me for years. Physically, verbally, and emotionally. There have been points where I thought I was going to die. He ruined me, he does nothing but hurt me. And buy me things. Because that so obviously solves everything, right?  Wrong.

I’ve been in a relationship for about 5months last year. It was the greatest, yet worst, relationship I’ve ever been in. The guy wasn’t horrible, he just had commitment issues. And he runs away from his problems.

He was older. He was, however, less mature than me. It doesn’t sound like a nice thing to say, and it seems biased. I know that. But let me tell you the story.

I’ve known this guy for three years. Let’s pretend his name is Ryan. He was, in the beginning, a player, pothead, alcoholic, and jerk. He always, for as long as I’ve known him, believed that girls would just fall like dominoes for him. Some did. A lot did, actually, and I think I’ve finally figured it out. He has a way of making people feel special.

He was going out with a girl, let’s pretend her name is, Sarah. Sarah, as far as I know, isn’t a bad person. She’s always been sexually active, and that was pretty much their entire relationship. There was no substance, as far as I, an outsider, could tell. But she loved him. He made her feel special.
One night, I met him. He was still in a relationship with Sarah, but he started hitting on me. Hard. In front of my older, protective brother. I liked Ryan, a lot. I didn’t know he was taken. I actually only knew him through my brother. Let’s call him Al.

I rejected Ryan. I rejected him because he was drunk, because my brother was there, and because he as one hell of a reputation.

A few months later, we met again. He hit on me again. I rejected him again. Sarah befriended me, and so I knew a little more about him. He broke her heart. He broke up with her for an older girl named, Ally.

Ally has beautiful eyes. She’s actually pretty, and I know nothing about her. But because of this entire story, I hold some vague resentment towards her.

He dated Ally for less than a month, before she left the country. They moved in together before she left. He fell hard for her, so he gave long distance a try. It lasted 3 years. Until she left him.

He was heartbroken. He completely lost it. He went into a low state of depression. Then he reached out to me.

This time, I was 17. He was 20. We were older, wiser, and both completely changed people.

Before that, by 3months, I got out of a relationship. I didn’t cry over the guy, but it hurt. I never cried over guys. Not until Ryan came along.

I avoided Ryan for a bit. I was scared. He just got dumped. I was not willing to be used as rebound. But soon, we found our ways back to each other, again.

My first semester of university had just begun. And I was ditching. A lot. A lot lot. A looooooot.

In my defense, I was 17. And my dad never let me go anywhere alone. He’s a control freak, and always has to have his eyes on me.

My escape? School time. And I regret nothing.

Ryan and I dated a lot. People didn’t like us together. They talked.

I’m a good girl, and everybody could see that. They thought he was corrupting me. As though I didn’t have a mind of my own. As though it actually meant anything to any of them. They broke him down.

I seriously thought he was the one. He lied a lot, and I always saw through it. But his sincerity was beautiful. I can’t explain it, but when he said something from the heart, it’d send me dreaming. It meant so much to me, and still does mean that much, if not more.

I couldn’t always go out to see him, but I jumped at every opportunity. I’d sneak out of my house, ditch my friends, skip school, lie to my family, but he wouldn’t have done any of that for me. I dropped everything , for nothing.

One night, Al, my brother found out that I was going out with Ryan. Ryan was as old as Al, and since they were friends, Al knew Ryan pretty well. Al told my father about it.

God forbid than anybody ever experiences the kind of pain I felt that night. I was abused so bad; my blood was everywhere. My whole body was swollen. It went on for months. I thought I was going to die. The verbal abuse and emotional abuse never stopped, either.

That first night, I went back to my room, and I checked my phone. I had a few messages from him, pretty much saying that it’s over.

I thought I’d be okay. Every time something bad happened to me, I felt better, remembering that I had him.

And then he was gone. And all the pain rushed in. I was devastated, and I don’t know how to be okay again.

I have a lot of dreams, and I’m doing everything in my power to achieve them. It’s going to take a while, but with a little help, I can do it. I’m trying to get recognized as a blogger, I want to post covers on YouTube (but my recording system sucks, so I need to earn money first, but my dad doesn’t let me work), and hopefully, I can build a sturdy fanbase over time, and with that fame, I wouldn’t have to deal with my dad. I’d kick him out of my life, and maybe sue him? And he won’t touch me ever again.

Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she? Even if she’s scarred.

If you’re interested in my blog, and maybe want to stay in touch, you could add me on facebook: my personal account
my page

Thanks for reading!

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On My Father’s Birthday: A Letter To The Man Who Killed Him

This is beautiful

TALES FROM THE MOTHERLAND

Dear Sir,

I don’t know your name, but you killed my father on June 9, 1973, in Stockton, California. My father was thirty-two years old then; I was ten. If he had lived, he would have been 74 on November 29th.

The year my dad ws killed The year my dad ws killed

I am a 51-year-old woman now; my father has not been with me for most of my life, and yet I still feel his presence; I still miss him. When I was ten, and he was killed, I hated you. In fact, I hated you for many, many years. Somehow I got it in my head that you were a drunk driver and killed him while driving drunk. Perhaps someone told me that, or maybe it’s just what a child creates, to make sense of a senseless world. Admittedly, that story helped me for a while. It gave me a place to focus my…

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A Hijra in the family

Please read this.

leylashah2014

I was just another boy wanting to be a girl. Now, I’ll be just another boy. I have not complained, nor do I complain now. I only tell a tale, for that’s all I’ve got. A tale, some could relate to.

This is for everyone who sees the queer movement as a superficial rich kid’s tantrum. I hail from a deeply religious middle class family with strong roots in a place known for its gender based crimes.

One of these days if I stopped existing the world wouldn’t know but I don’t want to be just another lgbt person. I don’t want to be just another statistic, just another note. I want to see the light, I want to be able to  hope but I don’t know where to look for hope, where to find it.

There was someone who told me, that maybe I should get my career sorted…

View original post 1,271 more words

Egalitarianism

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Hey guys!

I’m upset with society these days. I think most people are pretty ignorant. I’m writing this post because I’m hoping that I could make a change, no matter how big or small. I hope that those of you reading this, are reading it with an open mind. I hope that you guys could take something positive from this.

I actually have so much to say right now, and I have no idea where to start. I’m pretty frustrated.

Okay, so quite recently, Kim Kardashian has posed for ‘Paper’ magazine. It may surprise you, but I respect her for that. Why? Because she did it, not because anybody forced her to, but because she wanted to. She’s a woman, a human being, and is living on her own terms. Her family is supportive of her. She’s married, and her husband, Kanye, doesn’t appear to have a problem with it. People are saying, “oh, she’s married! She’s a mother! She’s not supposed to do that!” Well, why not? I see nothing wrong with it, at all. She’s a beautiful woman, whether or not you’d like to admit it.

“The pictures are Photoshopped,” and? Most pictures from photo shoots have been touched up. I don’t hear any complaints when Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, Adam Levine, Ryan Gosling, or even Justin Timberlake get their photos edited.

“Just when I thought she couldn’t get any sluttier, she goes and does this.” Who are you to slut shame her? She has the confidence to pose naked. What’s wrong with that? She has a great body. She can do whatever she wants with it. Who is she hurting? Kanye? North West? Did they personally tell you that it upset them? No? Well, then shut up about that.

I frankly think that Kanye and Kim are giving North West a great environment to grow up in. I think when she grows up, she’s going to be pretty open-minded. Whether or not you like the Kardashians, Jenners, or Kanye, I think they’re doing a great job with their kids. Aside from Kanye, I don’t see them as judgmental people. They wear what they want. They don’t go slut shaming people who are more successful as them, just to get noticed. They may not be making the best choices, exactly, but who does? I have so much respect for Kylie, Kendall, Kim, and even Kanye. Why? Because they’re working for what they want. They’re successful. They’re happy and confident despite all the hate they get. I can’t say anything about the others, because I honestly don’t follow them on social media.

North West is growing up in a family of feminism. The ladies of that family dress how they want, go where they want, and do what they want. The paparazzi may be a little much, especially considering North’s age, but she’s slowly getting used to it. She probably doesn’t know that it’s not normal, but one day, she might. I’m assuming that she may become a really smart and open-minded young lady, that knows what she wants, and how to get it without hurting others, without shaming people. I think she’s going to be an amazing person. Kanye and Kim may do things that most parents don’t do, but they clearly love their daughter, and they won’t intentionally hurt her.

Just like you don’t want people to judge you, slut shame you, criticize you without a proper cause, don’t do that to others. If you want to judge people, judge them for how they treat others, not for how they dress, what they look like, where they’re from, their sexuality, gender, age, beliefs, or background. Don’t judge them for their occupation, who they’ve dated, where they’ve been, what they eat, or what they have. Judge them for how they treat you, how they treat others, and their honesty. Frankly, I think that’s what really matters.

Thanks for reading!

I kind of got a little lazy writing this post, but I think I said what I wanted to say.

I’d appreciate your feedback.

Enjoy the rest of your day!